It’s titled appropriately enough.  I got busy and I skipped my anti-anxiety meds.  Then, I liked feeling all of the emotions and I skipped a few more days.  Today, I crashed.  I know better.

How did I know I was going to crash?  When my husband has to ask when the last time I took my meds were.  I get irritable and short with people.  It shows more than I think.  It shows in my teaching.  I’m not nearly as patient as I should be with my students.  In fact, I apologized to one of my students today for being short with her.  She said it was “ok” because she “figured a lot of people had talked to me about ____________ today.” I told her it wasn’t ok.  She didn’t have keep track of the amount of people who had asked and/or stressed about an event that didn’t affect them, but to this student, who is participating in the event, I should have listened first rather than just reacting.  Teachers are human, but we put everything we think and feel aside the moment we step into the classroom in terms of not being “on” while we are teaching.  I am surrounded by 130 musicians every other day for a minimum of 90 minutes and an additional 13-20 hours at night with the marching band.  My “on” time is a little longer than most teachers and I didn’t take care of myself to support all of the additional time.  That is 100% on me and that is why I had to apologize.

Before I start getting comments about mental health, medication, or the like, let me provide some background information.  Looking back at my childhood, I’ve probably always had anxiety issues.  However, my senior year in high school was marked by an entire week of panic attacks at the rate of 5-8 attacks per day for 7 days.  I did not use any medication at that point.  I limited my caffeine intake and worked on getting enough sleep as I was over caffeinating and wasn’t sleeping more than four hours a night.  Fast-forward to my third year in college when I got a panic attack in the middle of Wind Ensemble.  I ended up hyperventilating and my face got tingly and which furthered my anxiety.  I went to the campus health center and they said I was fine.  Well, I started getting regular panic attacks after that and decided to try mediation.  I am not ashamed that I take medication.  It does frustrate me sometimes to have to need it, but I think anyone who takes any sort of regular medication feels that way.

Teachers have a high rate of anxiety and depression issues, so I am far from unique in this situation.  What I have finally come to realize after almost 20 years of struggling with my anxiety is when I haven’t taken care of myself.  It’s been a long time since it affected my students in a very explicit way, but I recognized it.  It is a process.  One that I am still working with, but a process nonetheless.  I’m just working on taking it one sip at a time.